TW: Dialogue of melancholy, self hurt, and suicidal ideas and ideation.
Very like final 12 months, I do not know find out how to sum up this 12 months. I don’t suppose I’ve it in me to write down a protracted publish that entails such intense feelings and I believe that, if I wait till I do, we’d all be ready a really very long time so I’m simply going to write down till I can’t anymore and that’ll be that. It’s simply too onerous.
Whereas there have been good moments (a few of which will be seen within the collage beneath), it’s been a fucking painful 12 months and it’s now the third New Yr’s Eve that I’ve spent crippled by melancholy, suicidal ideas, and overwhelming concern and dread across the future. I’m fairly positive I’m in full autistic burnout and I really feel like I’m residing in a fog. Final 12 months, I believe I described my melancholy as a drought however, this 12 months, I believe the higher metaphor is drowning: I really feel like I’m drowning on this melancholy and I’ve so little power left that staying afloat is feeling increasingly unimaginable. I’m so drained. I’m bored with attempting so onerous, of feeling like I’m not attempting onerous sufficient; I’m bored with feeling this manner, of feeling like issues won’t ever get higher, like there’s no level in even attempting to really feel higher as a result of there’s nothing value feeling higher for. It simply seems like there’s a lot unhealthy on the earth, a lot agony, that it isn’t a world I wish to stay in. I really feel damaged; I really feel like a main instance of a faulty human being. There have been good issues, like I mentioned, however it looks as if they’ll by no means simply be good issues: there’s all the time a lot unhealthy or onerous snarled in them that having fun with them isn’t as simple because it sounds. I miss feeling protected. I miss feeling protected to really feel issues.
An enormous, onerous a part of this 12 months has been that I began taking Phenelzine once more, for the third time. I didn’t wish to and I felt coerced by the circumstances to take it. I used to be so offended about all of it that I made doubtlessly my most dramatic, self damaging transfer up to now: I reduce my face after which, when it bought contaminated, I used to be so reluctant to deal with it that I’ve ended up with a reasonably seen scar. Probably the most complicated a part of it was that, despite the fact that I didn’t need anybody to deliver it up, I used to be shocked that nobody did; it appeared just like the sort of factor that may set off some alarm. Simply as I imagined voicing constant suicidal would however nobody’s actually commented on that both. It solely makes the expertise extra isolating and lonely. However again to the Phenelzine: whereas it helped me get off the bed and exit every now and then, it hasn’t had the identical affect that it’s beforehand had on my temper, even on the upper dose. And that signifies that I’ve formally run out of remedy choices. I’ve been going to remedy constantly, for essentially the most half, however I really feel prefer it’s getting tougher and tougher; there have been classes the place I’ve left feeling traumatised. We’ll be attempting one thing completely different within the new 12 months however I’m struggling to really feel hopeful, however that’s not particular to only remedy.
I take a look at the collage I made for this 12 months and though I bear in mind every of those moments, I really feel disconnected from them; the feelings really feel dulled. Rather a lot has occurred, considerably to my shock…
I went to a number of small exhibits; I went to hydrotherapy religiously and began physiotherapy; I bought adopted by a pet after which had my coronary heart damaged when she was taken away; I went to Nashville for Tin Pan South; my software for an Autism Service Canine was profitable; I launched my single, ‘Home on Fireplace,’ in addition to creating the entire visuals for it; I used to be recognized with Fibromyalgia; I went to artwork exhibitions (and even helped to construct my favorite artwork piece, Respiration Room); I frolicked with associates, on-line and in actual life; I travelled to Germany for the marriage of one among my finest associates and was reunited with a number of associates that I hadn’t seen in years; I bought to hang around with a few of my American associates once they carried out right here; I fought for Taylor Swift tickets; I had my coronary heart damaged once more when the rescue pet we utilized for was homed with another person; I went to some wonderful concert events; I met Amanda Tapping once more and she or he’s nonetheless one of the fantastic folks I’ve ever identified; I began performing once more; I learn books and watched films and TV exhibits that are actually amongst my favourites; I adopted a pet (which nonetheless doesn’t sound actual to me); I swam 5km for Thoughts, elevating over £600; I went to a number of Maisie Peters exhibits and bought to satisfy her too; one among my cats bought very sick and we needed to nurse her again to well being; my aunt died; I modified coronary heart drugs; and I labored on a lot of completely different musical and educational work. I do know all of this stuff occurred; I bear in mind them clearly however it’s like watching them play on a display screen. I do know these recollections are mine however they don’t really feel like mine. It’s bizarre and unhappy.
I’m so drained. I’m bored with masking however I don’t know find out how to cease. I really feel damaged – bodily, mentally, and emotionally – however as onerous as I strive, it by no means seems like sufficient. Over ten years later, it needs to be getting higher not worse, proper?
I don’t know what else to say. Life feels more and more scary, internally and externally, and I simply really feel too damaged to handle. I don’t know the way folks stroll round with out the entire concern and grief and anxiousness that I do, that I see as such an intrinsic a part of being human. As I wrote final 12 months, “I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I don’t know what I need it to. I didn’t need this 12 months. I didn’t count on to nonetheless be right here and I’m not blissful or happy or grateful for that. I really feel pathetic and silly and cowardly; I really feel damaged past restore. I really feel frozen, overwhelmed by all of those large emotions. If emotions might kill you, I believe these would have.“