Sure, I’m very conscious that February is lengthy gone however I actually wanted to jot down that final publish and I simply didn’t really feel like I may publish the rest till I’d gotten that out of my system. However now I’ve and hopefully I can publish a bit extra commonly; I’ve missed writing and posting right here. As I stated in my earlier publish, I’d deliberate to take a break in the beginning of the yr, to finish a few of my unfinished posts and to clear the cobwebs from my mind however then that clearly didn’t occur. However now that I’m writing once more, hopefully I can get these completed up and get again to writing about among the issues happening within the current.
Anyway, again to FAWM…
I wrote eleven songs through the twenty-nine days of February, not fairly assembly the February Album Writing Month aim of fourteen songs however I’m not fearful about that. As you’ll know when you learn my final publish, there was a number of stuff – a number of very emotional, upsetting stuff – happening and so I’m fairly pleased with myself for writing something in any respect. However not solely that, I wrote some songs that I’m actually, actually pleased with. Over the month, I shared snippets of the songs on TikTok and, whereas I all the time get pleasure from sharing songs, there are some that I’d fairly not discuss intimately, for varied causes. So I’ll write about a couple of of them and go away the others open to interpretation…
- Mess You Made – I’d been turning this music over in my head for some time earlier than FAWM began however the problem gave me the push to sit down down and truly write it. I wished to jot down a few previous expertise that had been actually traumatic and the way, regardless that you may get over and previous the precise factor, it may be a lot tougher to recover from the way it affected you. I don’t care about the one who harm me anymore – I truthfully couldn’t care much less about her and her life – however I’m nonetheless carrying a number of trauma from what she did to me; I’m nonetheless working via it.
- Too Difficult – I wrote this music about my expertise of repeatedly being referred to as ‘too sophisticated’ by healthcare employees and the influence that that’s had on me and on my sense of self. On the one hand, it’s simply scary to be informed that you just’re too tough to deal with and it turns into onerous to consider that you just’ll ever get higher. Nevertheless it additionally actually messes along with your head to listen to, again and again, that you’re too sophisticated, too advanced, too tough. After which be tossed apart and forgotten about due to it. So I wrote about that feeling, which was a fairly cathartic expertise.
- In The Bushes – The theme of one other problem was to jot down about nature and I’d been enthusiastic about that loads, about how I may write a music that didn’t really feel contrived or prefer it may’ve been written by anybody. There have been a lot of pictures I used to be impressed by, like Halley’s Comet and flowers rising via concrete and the way nature all the time reclaims the city panorama, however I hadn’t been in a position to flip any of them into a particular music. After which I remembered the urge I typically should flee civilisation and dwell in a cabin within the woods, away from individuals and overstimulation and battle, and so on. It’s a need that I’ve heard from a number of neurodivergent individuals, which is attention-grabbing, so I wrote that music: escaping into the woods and the emotions that that thought impressed in me.
- Management – I’ve had this refrain in my head for a very long time and I’d all the time thought I’d find yourself utilizing it in a music about myself, about nervousness and feeling uncontrolled. However then, in February, I watched somebody I had all the time considered so regular spin uncontrolled and take it out on me. It was an upsetting and painful and traumatising expertise but it surely helped to have the ability to pour all of these emotions straight right into a music, to precise all of that anger and harm and really feel heard. If I needed to record my songs so as of how therapeutic they have been to jot down, this one could be excessive on the record.
- If I Might Go Again – I wrote this music, enthusiastic about how I would’ve dealt with a heartbreak in a different way, how I’d doubtlessly deal with it if it occurred now. On the time, I used to be nonetheless a teen and it was my first actual heartbreak and I used to be simply floored by it. However now, years later, I’m much less uncomfortable with being offended and so, whereas there most likely wouldn’t be as a lot vandalism as depicted within the music, there would probably be extra confrontation. It additionally touches on the thought of whether or not or not you’d nonetheless need to know somebody no matter how the connection ended…
- Responsible Verdict – I’ve been enthusiastic about this music for years. A buddy of mine shared with me a traumatic expertise she’d gone via and the way the perpetrator has by no means been punished for it. That’s clearly her story to inform and I’d by no means take that away from her however I’ve struggled with the heaviness of all of it for a very long time and so I’d think about varied eventualities the place he obtained what he deserved; on this music, I wrote about ruining his life and his repute and ending up in courtroom however there was no proof to convict me and I used my testimony to accuse him publicly of his crimes. It was very satisfying to ascertain after which write however I feel, if one thing ever did occur to him, it might doubtlessly make me suspect primary.
- Go Forward And Gaslight Me / One thing To Show (I nonetheless haven’t selected the title) – Throughout a collection of very intense and emotional interactions in February, I felt very manipulated and gaslit by the opposite individual (which was, clearly, an terrible expertise) however what impressed the music was that the breakdown of this relationship was how intently it mirrored the same expertise from years earlier (which I’d talked about with this individual extensively). Again then, it took me a very long time to untangle all of it however, this time, I noticed all of it because it was occurring. I used to be so offended and harm that this individual would deal with me that means, not to mention within the precise means they knew had been traumatic for me, that I wrote this music as a means of processing the tip of the connection as a result of that was one thing I may by no means forgive; that belief simply couldn’t be repaired.
Writing a music on guitar
Writing a music on guitar with Izzy
Writing one music on guitar (left) and making an attempt to jot down one other music on guitar whereas Izzy watched intently (proper).
Given every part that’s been happening, it was unexpectedly helpful to have the exterior stress to jot down as a result of it pressured me to work via my emotions right away: the entire anger and harm and grief was taking over a lot house in my mind so it was… therapeutic, to a sure extent, to jot down about them whereas I used to be nonetheless in them. It wasn’t like there was a lot house for every other emotions so that they have been the plain ones to attract from and write about. For many of my songwriting profession, I’ve written about experiences and feelings after the very fact – after they’re over and I’ve mirrored on them fairly extensively – however the timing of this problem meant that I used to be writing about these emotions as I used to be experiencing them, as they have been ebbing and flowing, as they have been evolving. It was a really unusual expertise however not one I remorse (the writing course of that’s; I’m positively not so sanguine about every part that occurred through the month that impressed these songs).
In earlier years, I’d’ve been pissed off that I didn’t meet the official aim and possibly would’ve crushed myself up over ‘not making an attempt onerous sufficient’ however I actually have little interest in doing that this yr; I don’t really feel the necessity to both. I did say this final yr however the circumstances have been very totally different. My mindset round creating feels actually totally different as of fairly just lately and I feel there’s been a number of development. Creating feels thrilling and limitless in a means that I don’t suppose I’ve ever felt; if I’ve felt it earlier than, it’s been a really, very very long time.