TW: Mentions of melancholy and suicidal ideas.
This has been a fucking exhausting yr and there have been a number of moments after I wasn’t positive I’d make it up to now; I’m not satisfied I’m glad that I’ve. My anxiousness and melancholy and continual suicidal ideas have been doing their greatest to swallow me complete; a number of individuals have instructed that I’m in autistic burnout and I wouldn’t be shocked however I don’t know the way to make sure of that with the melancholy and CPTSD in play. I’m simply placing one foot in entrance of the opposite, even after I’m not likely positive why.
It’s considerably complicated to nonetheless recognise the great issues and be pleased about them in amongst all of that. Whereas I by no means thought melancholy and suicidal ideation had been easy, I by no means would’ve imagined that they might be this complicated and conflicted. However that’s a practice of thought and dialogue for one more time. For now, these are a few of the issues I’ve felt grateful for this yr…
Mum – I don’t know what else I can say about my Mum that I haven’t already stated in my earlier Grateful posts (2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022) however, holy shit, am I grateful for her. One thing I’ve thought loads about over the course of the yr is how she at all times appears to take issues in stride. I do know it’s not that easy: she’s human and so, after all, she has emotions about all the things that occurs however the way in which she handles issues with such openness and style blows me away.
Household and buddies – Regardless of how exhausting this yr has been and the way desperately I’ve needed to only disguise away, I’ve managed to spend a shocking period of time with my household and buddies: over Zoom, at music occasions, at every others houses, even overseas. I truthfully don’t know the way I bought so fortunate to search out and maintain the chums I’ve however I’m so deeply, deeply grateful. I look again at all the unhealthy issues which have occurred to me and I discover that may’t hate them fully as a result of, in the event that they hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met and change into buddies with the individuals I’ve.
The cats – My beautiful delight of cats. I like all of them so dearly. We’ve had some well being scares this yr, which have been very scary however, thankfully, everybody has recovered and we’re celebrating Christmas as a wholesome household. Izzy has thrown a spanner within the works to a sure diploma and the peace of the home has been disturbed dramatically; we’re nonetheless discovering a brand new regular and all of those new relationships are nonetheless evolving. On the entire, the cats are nonetheless avoiding Izzy as a result of she will get so overexcited; she simply needs to play however typically, that both scares them or they don’t perceive and they also take a swipe at her. It’s sluggish going and though progress is being made, I miss the cats being round and battle with the frustration of simply wanting all the things to be okay and peaceable proper now. I like them and I don’t like not seeing them as a lot.
My time and buddies in Nashville – My journey to Nashville this yr was a severe emotional rollercoaster. There was a faculty taking pictures within the metropolis on the primary full day we had been there; I noticed a few of the most wonderful Tin Pan South reveals I’ve ever seen; I turned a Madeline Edwards fan; I noticed a few of my beautiful buddies; I frolicked with new buddies; we weathered the sting of a twister (and had a little bit celebration within the motel room we had been sheltering in; I bought to go to Track Suffragettes’ ninth anniversary present and meet up with the stunning Natalie Hemby; I struggled with some severe continual ache… It was loads to soak up, loads to course of. It was a extremely powerful journey however the good moments had been actually good and I’m grateful for these.
My therapist (and the canines that joined our classes) – It’s been simply over a yr since I began seeing my new therapist and, if I’m trustworthy, I’m nonetheless getting used to her and all of the little variations. I noticed my earlier therapist for eight years and the lack of her from my life was a trauma so it’s not shocking to me that it’s been a extremely troublesome adjustment; I nonetheless miss her and our classes. My new therapist is nice and I actually like her and we’ve had some actually productive classes but it surely’s been a really completely different situation: my psychological well being has by no means been so unhealthy, the worst stuff so near the floor. That makes remedy actually fucking exhausting. It makes me really feel triggered; it makes me really feel like a frayed nerve; it makes me really feel like I can’t breathe. It’s exhausting. However I do know that nothing will change if I don’t go. A part of my expertise of melancholy signifies that I don’t at all times need issues to vary however, as I stated earlier, it’s such a complicated, messy, difficult nicely of emotions that it’s exhausting to articulate and this actually isn’t the publish to get into it, but it surely does present some context as to why remedy is so exhausting. I can’t appear to obviously clarify why I’m grateful for remedy and for my therapist, not with my headspace being the way in which it’s proper now, bit I do know that I’m. Generally I feel that must be sufficient.
The puppies – Over the summer time, I bought to spend a strong period of time with a litter of 4 Pomchi puppies and it was wonderful. One in every of them specifically, the one lady who was nicknamed ‘Skye,’ took to me immediately: it was like she noticed me and went, “You. You’re my individual.” It was lovely and I cherished each second that I bought to spend along with her. I hadn’t thought I used to be able to bond with one other canine however Skye confirmed me that I used to be (and truthfully, the identify ‘Skye’ simply felt like an indication – one among my largest particular curiosity characters, Daisy Johnson, having chosen that identify for herself earlier than she found who she was, who she was presupposed to be) and it was such a pleasure. After which my coronary heart was damaged after I wasn’t in a position to maintain her. I used to be devastated and the ache of it actually shook me. I apprehensive about her endlessly and though that has light over time, it nonetheless hits me at times; I hope she’s protected and pleased and cherished. And despite the fact that it resulted in utter heartbreak and a whole lot of unhealthy feeling, I wouldn’t take it again; it was a extremely particular expertise and confirmed me that I used to be able to have a canine in my life once more and in the end result in Izzy.
Writing songs once more – Songwriting has been a troublesome for some time now, because it normally is when my melancholy will get unhealthy (and it’s been the worst it’s ever been). It seems like my inventive mind goes into hibernation. Since I began taking Phenelzine once more in March, issues have gotten higher in that regard. I’ve been writing once more but it surely doesn’t really feel as quick or as straightforward because it used to; prefer it takes precise bodily effort to make my mind work when it used to come back actually simply. So it’s undoubtedly not excellent however I’ve written some songs I’m actually happy with and I’m grateful for that.
Attending to reunite with my buddies from college – Within the Spring, I went to Germany for the marriage of two of my buddies and though there a lot of traumatic elements to the week away, there have been some really joyful moments too and one among them was seeing a few of my great buddies. As a result of we’re scattered world wide, we don’t typically get to see one another and we not often get to see one another altogether and, with COVID after all, it’s been a fair longer time than deliberate in order that was actually particular. It was actually emotional too, extra so than I’d anticipated, however then it was a really emotional week.
There’s 5 of us buried on this huddle.
Acceptance into the Service Canine program – Just a few years in the past, we utilized for the Autism service canine program however they didn’t have area for me. This yr we utilized once more and I’ve been accepted! The method from being accepted to truly getting a canine is an extended one however that’s okay: it offers me time to get used to it and to be taught all the things I have to know, with the peace of mind that assist is coming. I’ve met fairly a number of people who find themselves a part of the organisation and so they’ve all been so beautiful and supportive and heat so I really feel like I’m in good arms. I’ve my anxieties about it – it’s an enormous duty to tackle a canine, significantly a specifically skilled one, and I’m conscious that, by having one, I’m representing the organisation and, to a sure diploma, incapacity and neurodivergence – however I feel it will naïve and irresponsible to not. So I’m doing my greatest to organize and to get right into a wholesome, balanced headspace about it.
Respiration Room – After years of loving the work referred to as ‘Respiration Room’ by Anna Berry, I lastly bought to see it. First in London after which in Croydon. Lastly seeing it in actual life was magical; it was totally breathtaking. Throughout every go to, I spent ages simply sitting inside it, watching the cones flutter and listening to the light creak of the equipment. It was so calming; I might’ve sat there perpetually. And it had my thoughts spinning with new concepts for songs, each particularly in regards to the piece and for different songs. I cherished that. Each instances, I needed to all however be dragged out.
The London expertise was additionally extremely particular as a result of I bought to assist assemble it earlier than it opened to the general public. It was a viciously scorching, airless day (which resulted in a really stupid-looking sunburn, which sadly didn’t fade for months) and even with the gloves, I bought some fairly nasty splinters that had my fingers stinging for days however I cherished each second of it. I cherished the repetitive motion, the soothing depend, the extraordinary focus that had the remainder of the world fading to nothing. I’d been in excruciating ache and I did battle with my again throughout the session however I might’ve fortunately stored going; I solely left as a result of I had a previous dedication. I cherished it and it was a extremely particular factor to get to do. I additionally, by some magical serendipity, bought to satisfy Anna herself and speak along with her briefly about my love for the undertaking and the concept of writing a tune about it. She was actually beautiful and it was a really cool cherry on high to the day.
Discovering Maisie Peters – I’ve listened to Maisie a little bit, on and off, through the years however I feel I simply felt like I by no means fairly had the mind area to essentially get into her music. However then I heard ‘Misplaced The Breakup’ and I used to be fully hooked. I performed it on repeat till The Good Witch got here out after which I used to be simply obsessed; I didn’t hearken to the rest for weeks and even after I did begin listening to different stuff, I nonetheless typically returned to it. I can’t fairly clarify what was so magical about it or why it resonated with me so strongly but it surely actually did and I’m nonetheless fully obsessive about Maisie’s songwriting; I might discuss it for hours. I’d love to write down along with her. I additionally bought to see her twice on tour and so they had been each actually particular reveals: I noticed her in Bristol on Halloween on the smallest venue of the tour and I noticed her headline at Wembley, the largest venue of the tour and an actual milestone, on the finish of the UK leg. She’s a unbelievable performer and I completely cherished the reveals. I used to be additionally fortunate sufficient to go to the VIP pre-show acoustic classes and people had been actually, actually particular. I’ve a Week In My Life publish half finished about that week that I hope to rise up quickly the place I speak extra about that so I’ll come again and hyperlink it right here – it was an exhausting week that took a very long time to get better from but it surely was completely, 100% price it. I noticed her carry out on the Communion Xmas Celebration too and bought to speak to her briefly afterwards too, which was actually beautiful (her keys participant, Tina, too). It was undoubtedly my Maisie Peters season and lengthy could it proceed; I’m so glad to have her music in my life.
Listening to The Good Witch, making bracelets for the tour, dressing Izzy up because the tune, ‘BSC,’ Maisie’s acoustic set in Bristol, the Halloween cease of The Good Witch Tour, the acoustic set at Wembley Enviornment, Maisie’s bought out present at Wembley Enviornment, Maisie performing on the Communion Xmas Celebration in London, and assembly her after she carried out.
Getting a TENS machine – Given how unhealthy my continual ache has been this yr, getting a TENS machine was a revelation. It has been so useful and I’m so very grateful to have a approach to scale back my ache when it’s actually unhealthy. I don’t know the way I didn’t come throughout it sooner however I’m so grateful for the advice from my GP (who’s an precise miracle employee).
Assembly Amanda Tapping at LFCC 2023 – Amanda Tapping is one among my favorite individuals on the planet and has been since I used to be about fourteen. She’s performed some unbelievable roles which have impressed me deeply and he or she is a very great human being. I met her a number of years in the past and though I used to be virtually paralysed by anxiousness, she was so type and open and it was a extremely particular expertise. This yr she began doing livestreams with The Companion and it was so, so good to see her once more, no matter the truth that she couldn’t see me. The livestream was nice and I regarded ahead to the promised future ones. Then, in the summertime, I went to my first Comedian Con and bought to satisfy her once more in individual. We had such a beautiful dialog – as did she and my Mum, who was with me as my incapacity assist individual – and it’s a reminiscence that I’ll at all times maintain shut and maintain protected; it was a really particular expertise. After which, my third Amanda Tapping second of the yr was the second livestream, which was nice by itself, however I additionally had a ‘backstage’ ticket and I used to be in a position to speak to her briefly afterwards. She’s so open to massive, trustworthy, susceptible conversations and it seems like she actually sees you and hears you once you speak and that’s such a robust feeling; I bear in mind eager about that after I met her the primary time and it was precisely the identical this time. She, and the characters she’s performed, have been a continuing supply of inspiration and energy for me and stumbling throughout her all these years in the past was such a fluke however, my god, I’m so grateful I did.
Getting The ERAS Tour Tickets – Although, it was extremely, sickeningly traumatic (and precipitated a good quantity of ableism-based trauma), I’m very grateful to have gotten tickets to The Eras Tour in the summertime – and never just one however a number of instances, since a number of buddies and teams of buddies needed to go and needed to go along with me. That felt very particular and I’m each grateful that we had been in a position to get the tickets and that I’ve been in a position to afford it, having been saving since The status Tour ended. I’ve a really difficult relationship with the longer term and with wanting forward but it surely was an enormous reduction to know that I wouldn’t have to observe the each present taking place with out being there even as soon as. So I’m grateful for that. And, as at all times, I’m simply grateful for Taylor herself: for her music, for being an individual I can look as much as, and for the inspiration and alternatives she has given me.
The Incapacity-Focussed Writing Workshop run by Sick Tales – I found this on-line workshop on Eventbrite and from the primary one I attended, I had an absolute blast. Sophie, the host, is completely beautiful and the prompts at all times led me down fascinating rabbit roles. The primary immediate Sophie instructed resulted in an thought for a novel that I might love to write down sooner or later, my love of writing fiction returning that instantly. The truth that it was disability-focussed, together with Sophie’s glorious internet hosting, made it really feel like a extremely protected and enjoyable place to discover and share concepts that may’ve in any other case felt too private and susceptible, leaving all the wonderful items of writing I heard unwritten. I like a whole lot of the stuff I wrote in these classes and though I don’t but have something to do with them, I hope that I’ll sooner or later discover a approach to share them.
Discovering Juneberry Purple Bull – Amongst my household and buddies, my Purple Bull consumption is considerably legendary, although it appears to provide my no caffeine hit by any means (I feel I’m nonetheless dwelling in denial that at some point it would begin serving to once more). But it surely had type of waned… till I attempted the brand new summer time flavours. The opposite three didn’t do something for me however this one has me in a chokehold: I like it a lot. I might drink all of it day if it wasn’t as unhealthy as Purple Bull clearly is. But it surely’s a pleasant little deal with that I’m very happy they got here up with.
With the ability to afford a brand new laptop computer when my previous one died – My laptop computer was dying a sluggish and painful loss of life and, provided that I exploit it for many of my work, that was a really traumatic place to be in. However, thanks primarily to incapacity profit, I used to be in a position to purchase a brand new one and whereas that was clearly nice for work causes, it’s the primary time I’ve had a model new laptop computer in a very long time in order that was very thrilling. I like shiny, new devices and, since they’re normally very costly, I don’t get to do the entire “oh my god, a shiny, new gadget!” factor fairly often.
Nimona – Watching the movie, Nimona, was a extremely emotional second for me. I cherished the story and the world and the animation model and the humour however the character of Nimona actually resonated with me. I actually associated to her and noticed a whole lot of myself in her: her emotions of otherness, her self loathing, her masking – there have been so many parallels to being autistic. Seeing that was very transferring. And I actually, actually associated to her in her ‘monster’ type. *SPOILERS* The scene beneath is continually on my thoughts and that scream has me in tears each single time: that’s what it seems like in my head, in my soul. That’s what it feels wish to be me. With the ability to level at that and say to somebody, “That’s the way it feels,” has been so emotional. It’s exhausting to explain however I’m so, so grateful to have this movie. It would imply extra to me than some other movie, particularly due to this sequence.
Swimming, hydrotherapy, and beginning physiotherapy – For a lot of the yr, I’ve stored to a fairly strong schedule with my swimming and hydrotherapy after which, midway by the yr, I met with an incredible physiotherapist and have been fairly persistently working at that too. Having now labored with each a hydrotherapist and physiotherapist who actually perceive hEDS, I can say with absolute confidence that it’s a fully completely different expertise; I’ve labored with good individuals earlier than however that lack of expertise has at all times been a serious impediment and I’d discover myself burning out and giving up. I’ve at all times cherished to swim however I’ve discovered that I can actually love hydrotherapy and physiotherapy (though I’ve had some durations of ache so unhealthy that I needed to take a break till it light). We’ve discovered two actually beautiful swimming pools to swim in, which makes it much more gratifying, and I’ve made some actual bodily enhancements. That’s been type of thoughts blowing – to truly see that occur. And to the purpose the place I used to be in a position to swim 5km for Thoughts! However extra on that in a minute.
Izzy – I nonetheless can’t fairly imagine that I bought a pet this yr, that I even have a pet now. That’s undoubtedly not one thing I anticipated at the start of the yr; it was in all probability the very last thing I anticipated. However right here we’re and I’m head over heels in love along with her. Izzy is a golden Pomchi (half Pomeranian half Chihuahua) and he or she’s totally beautiful: she’s comfortable and heat and snuggly and amazingly sensible. The bond we’re constructing is already so robust and so particular and which means a lot to me, despite the fact that it’s kicked up some exhausting stuff. However I need nothing extra to like and shield her and he or she appears to really feel the identical, guarding me at virtually all instances and attempting to lick away my tears after I’m unhappy and seeking to me when she’s distressed. My relationship with Fortunate was extremely particular and at all times will likely be however, simply as I discovered after my first cat was put too sleep and we then bought Lucy, I can love one other animal and never feeling like the brand new relationship is changing the previous one. This relationship is new and particular in its personal methods and I really feel fortunate and honoured to have a pet to pour all of that love into.
Attending to fundraise for Thoughts – Attending to fundraise for Thoughts felt actually, actually particular, not simply because we managed to lift a lot extra money than I’d anticipated (over £600 in comparison with my objective of £200) which was wonderful, however as a result of I used to be lastly bodily able to doing it. I swam 5km for Thoughts, 1km an evening over seven nights, partly as a consequence of managing my hEDS and partly do the logistics of pool time, however I used to be actually happy with discovering a approach to make it work. I used to be exhausted and sore afterwards but it surely was completely price it. I used to be so impressed and so touched by the generosity of everybody who donated it and I used to be so happy with myself for committing to it and competing it. I stay up for doing one thing comparable sooner or later.
Spending my birthday with horses – My birthdays have been a supply of stress for fairly a very long time now so I’ve taken to both ignoring it fully or looking for one thing un-birthday-like however nonetheless particular to do. And this yr, I discovered myself happening a wellbeing course that centred round horses. I’ve at all times cherished horses so, whereas the arrogance constructing stuff was exhausting, it was so good to spend time with these beautiful animals once more. It was a extremely cool, fascinating approach to spend the day.
The superb books I’ve learn this yr – I labored actually exhausting to get again into studying this yr and I learn a whole lot of actually good books. Those which have most moved and impressed me are Trista Mateer’s poetry, Blythe Baird’s poetry, The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Inexperienced, and Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. All of those books had a extremely profound impact on me and so they’ve all change into so particular, every a little bit piece of my private inventive and inventive mosaic. I don’t know why I picked them up after I did however I’m so grateful that I did.
A yr of Duolingo – It’s exhausting to imagine that I’ve now been studying Dutch for over a yr. It’s exhausting to imagine how far I’ve come. However I’ve and I’ve. It’s so unusual to me: I hated studying languages in school however I’ve cherished studying Dutch. There are many apparent causes for why I hated it in school however they’re not likely price dwelling on at this level however I had no thought after I began studying by Duolingo simply how a lot I might like it, how restful I’d discover it, how a lot enjoyable I’d have. I had no concept that studying a language might be such an gratifying expertise – might be gratifying in any respect – after my college experiences and it’s even impressed me to consider different languages. However one factor at a time. I like studying Dutch and I really feel no want to vary the way in which I’m at present doing issues. I don’t know why I believed to obtain the app that day however I’m actually glad I did and I’m happy with myself for opening it and training every single day since.
As I’ve repeatedly stated, to name my emotions a multitude is the understatement of the yr. I used to be re-reading my publish from final yr and I don’t know if I can describe gratitude amidst melancholy and suicidal ideas any higher than I did then: “Once I really feel like this, like I’m drowning in my melancholy with these close to fixed suicidal ideas, issues to be pleased about really feel like a double edged sword. Generally they’re issues that make me really feel like I can maintain hanging on, even when only for a little bit bit longer, and generally they really feel like weights tied to my ankles, preserving me right here after I desperately don’t wish to be and I’ve to confess I resent them for that. So it’s something however easy. It’s good and unhealthy and exhausting and complicated; I can really feel in a different way, ten completely different instances in a day generally. However these are the objectively good issues in my life and I can recognise that. I needed to honour them for that.”